Kristin Cavallari Star? I’ll Be The Judge Of That. (Not That I’m Judging.)
People.
We need to talk.
Have you seen this month’s issue of Blender magazine?
More specifically, the cover?
(And I quote) “Oh My God! It’s Laguna Beach’s Kristin Cavallari.”
Um…right. Who gives a shit? (Rhetorical.)
[Me to the news stand attendant: “I’ll take two. Please? Pretty please?”]
Seriously?
I think this “reality TV” thing has just gone too far.
Too.
Damn.
Far.
People.
Don’t get me wrong, “Laguna Beach” was one of my guilty pleasures (it was up there with my closeted love for r&b [don’t be hatin, hater’]), but we need to remember that nothing EVER happened on that show. It took the word “ridiculous” to a whole new level.
And what? Now Kristin’s famous? It’s that easy? Really? So, essentially all you need to do is play an absolute bitch on television and say, “Jessica!” three thousand times over and just like that- you’ll get a publicist?
It’s embarrassing already.
You really think there’s paparazzi following Kristin around?
LOOK! It’s KRISTIN! FROM LAGUNA BEACH! AND SHE’S WITH STEPHEN!
Please.
This travesty has led me to one conclusion:
I must get my photo on the cover of Blender Magazine.
And after giving it some thought, I’ve decided that I’m going to accomplish this feat via the game show circuit.
I mean, I do after all live in Los Angeles… The land of swimmin’ pools and (reality) TV stars.
Clearly, dreams really can come true!
(Just ask Kristin [Cavallari].)
Think about it…
First, I’ll just get myself on that $25,000 Pryamid game. (Although, I’m not so sure it’s the $25,000 Pyramid anymore. It may have gone up in value… You know, what with the times and all.)
I believe myself to be a perfect candidate. (You want proof? Read on.) [Ahem] For example, if the category was Showtime and the clues were: tennis player, lesbian and dead– I’d scream out “Dayna Fairbanks!” And if the next clue was: suburban, drugs and drive by’s–I’d yell “Weeds! or “Agrestic!” or “Mary-Louise Parker!”
You see? I’m a shoe in for this game.
From there, I could do the Price Is Right.
After all, it’s really close to my place… So close, in fact that I’d totally “come on down.” I mean for Christsakes, I could practically walk. (Although no one walks here and I would hate to arrive to set sweaty, as that walk through the audience and down the aisle is long enough.) Going on the PIR is a commitment though, because I’d have to wear sorority letters or some sort of themed sweatshirt that said something along the lines of “I kissed Bob Barker [on the mouth] and all I got was this lousy sweatshirt” sweatshirt. And despite popular opinion, I’m not so into the themed sweatshirt. No, not so much…
Knowing my propensity for good luck (I was shit on twice last week by two different birds), I’d guess the correct price for the Hoover Steam Clean Vacuum (complete with detachable hoses!) and end up getting an opportunity to spin the coveted wheel. Although honestly, I don’t think I’m strong enough to spin the wheel. (It looks so damn heavy. ) I’d end up winning anyway (again, two birds, people… two) by default because the other poor bastards competing against me would go over $1 thus propelling me into the showcase showdown… But that’s precisely when disaster would strike as I have no idea how much a camper / RV thingie and a home jacuzzi costs and I’d totally overbid (or underbid).
Too many nerds on Jeopardy. Not too mention, I don’t think I could take Alex Trebec’s pronunciations seriously. I’d be the asshole saying, “What?” or “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you” because I’d want him to repeat the question (answer, technically). Plus, there’s the whole clicker issue. I’d press the fuck out of that damn thing (because I could and he’s not the boss of me) and then respond with, “Just checkin’ to see if it works, Alex” or “Is this thing on?” (And then I’d then proceed to tap it with my fingers and speak into it like a microphone. “Testing. testing 1, 2, 3… “)
Wheel of Fortune is out because who wants to run the risk of bending over and breaking a nail while trying to spin that fucking monstrosity? (What is it with these shows and their wheels?)
I have always loved Super Market Sweep–but again with the themed sweatshirts? Come on already. I can’t do it. More to the point, I won’t do it. I’m just not that flexible (you should see me in a yoga class–it ain’t a pretty picture). I can however, tell you one thing– if I were to (hypothetically) be on “The Sweep” I sure as hell wouldn’t waste my time grinding those coffee beans. Those people are fools! It’s all about the meat(s). And expensive cheeses. Plus, I’d be so winded from all of that running around the store (smoking and) pushing those cumbersome carts what with all of those turkey’s and ham’s in there…
Who Wants To Be A Millionare (um… I do?) is out because if that ex-View host woman asked me if that was my final answer I’d probably say something facetious like, “Well, what did I just say, Meredith?” And then I’d probably inquire as to how she got her hair to be so silky sheen (hot oil, maybe?). But I would definitely want to phone a friend because I haven’t spoken to Kissy in ages. She lives in Italy now and I don’t have an international calling plan. “Hi Kissy? This is Meredith from Who Wants-”[Nicole interrupts said game show hostess with the mostess and by mostess I mean because of the really nice silky sheen hair] “Kiss? It’s me. How are you? Yeah… I miss you, too. Tell me everything and don’t leave anything out. Wait. You have 25 seconds.
Bummer about the host of “Press Your Luck.”
I think I would have been the best “no whammies” say-er ever in the history of whammy say-ers. (I’ve been practicing. Scratch that. I was practicing [up until last week]) I bet they even would have rewarded me a plaque acknowledging my “whammy greatness,” which I could have hung up next to my ‘Ten Thousandth Customer at Taco Bell!’ plaque from 1987. (I’m very, very passionate. And now, no one will ever know…well, there’s a few girls who can attest to that, but we shouldn’t really drag them into this.)
And finally, there’s Family Feud (”The Feud”)… Which just might be the best of all the game shows based on the brilliant various ways in which they pose the respective families at the magnificent opening of the show. I do love me a good serious pose. (Photos available upon request.)
No lie, I’d love to be on The Feud for this purpose and this purpose alone. I mean… Fuck the game. I want to play “30 second television freeze tag.” And who wants to do all of that hand shaking and kissing? The truth of the matter is, me on this show would be an absolute disaster. I’m way too much of a control freak and would dismiss any and all team input. I’d declare myself the leader (in the same vain I would call “shotgun” as a kid) and deem the rest of my family useless. Survey says I’m in charge. End of story.