Jesus Loves Me
I woke up this morning and went to The Cock.
Wow.
That sounds downright scandalous. Or offensive.
I guess it just really depends on which circle’s you run in.
In any case, Jesus Cock is a spinning instructor at Crunch.
Crunch. Which boasts the mantra, “No Judgements.”
Fortunately, I didn’t sign any sort of paperwork or contract that
would pigeonhole me into this way of thinking.
Right.
Riding on…
Mr. Spinner’s given name isn’t “The Cock” or “Jesus Cock.”
I mean, can you imagine that birth certificate?
Oh, the horror! Or not.
Again– all contingent on your crowd, because in the porn star clique,
Jesus Cock would be a very fetching name.
And fetching it is.
The instructor was christened with said nickname for several
reasons: 1.) He’s very spiritual and motivating and for the most part,
reminiscent of Jesus. Not that I know Jesus.
Or knew Jesus. But if Jesus were alive today, something tells
me that he and The Cock would be besties. I just know it…
Although, lately The Cock’s taken to playing Whitney Houston
in class. And I’m not so sure Jesus would condone such behavior–
Even after all of the praise, dedications, declarations and
pleas of desperation. More specifically, Whit’s rendition
of the song “Jesus Loves Me” [as heard in the hit film,
The Bodyguard]. That Jesus is no dummy.
I think. (Remember, I don’t know him).
But I would bet my lifesavers he sees the
proverbial forest through the trees and is
smart enough to realize he ain’t her greatest love of all…
There just isn’t enough room what with Bobby and all of that crack.
Right… But you’re still wondering, “What does Jesus have to do with
The Cock? And what happened to reason number 2?”
Right… I just realized I neglected number 2.
And am totally abusing the word “right.”
Right.
Did I mention I woke up early and went spinning?
Rome wasn’t built in a day people.
Give me a little breathing space… some room to maneuver.
What a fun word maneuver. Equally as fun to say as it is to type.
Although, it kind of sounds like manure, but not really.
Meanwhile, back on The Cock….
In class, we’re instructed to ride standing up (”out of the saddle”) or
ride sitting down (”in the saddle”). Often times, instead of speaking
with the microphone provided, The Cock will use his hands
(very dramatically, I may add) in an up and down motion,
thus signaling the entire group to either rise or be seated.
Again, reminiscent of something Jesus might do.
Although when push comes to shove, I can’t say I know too much
about the man aside from the fact that he was in desperate need of
a haircut. So when people ask, “What would Jesus do?”
Now you know the answer– quite simply? Get a haircut.
The Cock is a fan of short gym shorts. Not those tight cycling
shorts which if you ask me, are the Speedo’s of the bike riding
community, but the looser fitting (really short) shorts.
Who wears short shorts? The Cock does. (Not Nair.)
And it is with the above sentenceS that I declare this portion
of the game over. C’mon people. Use your imagination.
Do the math.
Spiritual “Mother Earth” mantras + short shorts= Jesus Cock.
