Iraq or Bust!
I’ve had an epiphany.
I think.
(Well, I’m pretty sure.)
Right on the heels of our President’s speech last week,
the words, “I’m going to Iraq” came out of my mouth.
I declared them.
It was a declaration.
And six Starbursts and a pair of prescription eyeglasses
later (about an hour), I still thought this was a smart
idea for several reasons.
First, I can cancel my gym membership (and that
consultation with Dr. 90210). Nothin’ like a little boot
camp to whip the body in shape.
(We’ve all seen G.I. Jane.)
Second, I’m not sure how I’ll look with a buzz cut
(probably like G.I. Jane’s stepsister [once removed]),
but just think of all the money I’ll save not having to purchase
V05 hot oil treatments, root colorer, banana clips, scrunchies
(and other hair accoutrements).
Not too mention, I can finally let go of all the inner turmoil I’ve
been struggling with over that potential [Ogilvie] home perm.
Even the Magic 8 Ball couldn’t make a decision! When I consulted
about my possible new ‘do,’ the response was “Better not tell you now.”
Um. Really? (How torturous.)
Third, not to butter my own muffin, but I look amazing in camouflage.
No seriously, I do! Whenever I wear it (which isn’t all too often),
people stop and say, “You look amazing in those camouflage
shorts [or that camouflage onesie].” Again, this isn’t recurring as
I like to ration my camo-wearing. It’s obviously just too distracting
for all the passers-by and I’m a stickler for the “Golden Rule…”
You know, doing others or whatever.
Fourth, think of all the weight I’ll lose! I’m not sure what they
serve in Iraq, but I would bet my bottom dollar that they don’t have
a Baja Fresh or Hebrew National hot dogs.
(Lambs in a blanket? Oh, the horror.)
Fifth, maybe I can sublet my apartment.
Maybe there’s some sort of Iraqi exchange program??
We can totally swap places!
The army doesn’t expect me to sleep in a tent, do they?
I’m more of a cave girl. Plus, the caves have cable from what I hear.
WAIT.
You think they have nail salons in Iraq?
(Maybe the Magic 8 Ball knows.)
Stand by.
[I’m asking.]
ANSWER: CANNOT PREDICT NOW.
Note to self: Pack several packages of Lee Press-On Nails.
