Every Time I Sneeze, I Pee A Little
Every time I sneeze, I pee a little.
Seriously.
And I’m not even old enough to get the early-bird senior
special at the Silver Spoon! (Those age-ists!)
Someone has been suffering through a cold all week
(and subsequently, lots of little pants) as they’ve been
coughing and sneezing every sixty seconds.
Obviously, said cold has gone to my brain as I’m
talking about myself in the third person.
And to think… I wouldn’t speak to
anyone who did such a thing! Hell, I can’t even stand it
when people use the “z” arbitrarily. (See [non] words
such as: cuZ, becauZe and pleaZe.
[Ew. I HATE these people.])
So, yeah… I’m pretty difficult to be in any type of
relationship with… I mean what with the constant
pant-wetting and my high expectations for spelling,
grammar and all things having to do with the English
language.
Between sleeping and contemplating various strategies
for unassumingly procuring ‘Depends’ from the local
Rite-Aid, I’ve had some time to catch up on my Tivo.
I say “Tivo” like I can actually afford the real thing…
(Settled for “DVR” through the cable company.)
This is a drag because I love the “boop bip” sound
of the Tivo remote. It’s the best sound ever.
In fact, I love it so much that I recorded my favorite
sound [boop bip] on a hand held voice recorder.
(And I trigger it every time I use my [boring] cable remote.)
All of this Tivo-ing has led me to two realizations.
First, I have terrific hand-eye coordination.
Second, if I had my way, I’d be big and black.
Not like bouncer big or Biggie (Smalls) big, but like
big enough (and woman enough) to sing.
I mean, why is it that all (bigger) black women can sing?
Remember Nell Carter?
(I immediately get a visual of her vacuuming a
fish tank upon the mere mention of her name.)
[Cue Song] “…Gimme a break…Gimme a break…”
And let’s not overlook the obvious, people.
American Idol this season?
Exactly.
Yeah, sure… there’s a chance that the Indian kid with the
moustache could go all the way (um…and something tells
me it might just be his first time), but the only two
people who can actually sing are the two black women—
both of whom could stand a little stomach virus if you
know what I mean.
Initially, I loved Melinda’s innocence (even though she
doesn’t have a neck). She reminded me of a young
(angelic) me. But Lakisha’s, “I’m a single mom” routine
started to win me over… So, now I’m torn (and while I still
have faith, I am on my bathroom floor).
Melinda or Lakisha?
(Tom-ay-to or Tom-aaah-to?)
I’d say let’s take a poll, but I guess that’s happening already.
I definitely have commitment issues…
I can’t even decide if I prefer spelling gre/ay with an “e” or an “a!”
GrEy or GrAy?
And all of this vowel-choosing is such a time waster and exhausting.
(I could be watching TV instead.)