Last night I watched a hurricane special on the Weather Channel
and it got me thinking…
“Hurricane Humberto?” “Tropical Storm Steve?”
Um… who names these things?

Like who’s the glorified meteorologist that decides it’s time
to put the “P” back into “hurricane-naming” rotation and that
the next one will be called, “Pam?”
Pam. Like who in the hell is going to be threatened by a storm
called “Hurricane Pam?” There’s no urgency to Pam.
No panic. Hurricane Pam sounds more like a
neighbor who binge eats.

And then of course, there’s all these ‘new’ hipster names
like “Apple,” “Jermajesty” and “Radio Transmitter.” When do we
get to weave these tiny treasures into the mix with
the “Allison’s” and “Larry’s?”

Honestly, I think it would be a lot more effective if we could
do for the hurricanes what the world wide web did for the
stars some years back. Not to brag, but I currently hold the
world record for the “most stars purchased” through
the Adopt-A-Star.com website. I own half the galaxy!
Well, own-ish. (There still may be a few lingering debt
collectors because of this [spring of 2001] addiction, but I digress…)

I can see the infomercial now–

BUY SOMEONE YOU LOVE A HURRICANE!

“For only 3 easy installments of $19.95, you, too, can show someone you
care by naming a natural disaster after them!”

CUT TO:
Re-enactment of an emotional woman opening her front door only to find
a remorseful, man standing with a large bouquet of carnations.
[She slams the door.]
We see her immediately answer the door again and he’s now holding a box of chocolates.
[The door slams again.]
Finally, on the third try our humbled man is standing with an enormous
certificate that reads, “Blah Blah Blah… this certificate certifies that the
next hurricane (or Tropical storm) will hereby be
declared, “Hurricane Sally.”
[The couple embrace passionately.]

This could be a world-wide phenomenon, people!
I MEAN WHO WOULDN’T LOVE THIS?
Lie to me.
Cheat on me.
It seriously doesn’t matter ANYMORE.
Just buy me a hurricane afterwards and I’ll totally forget you slept
with that twenty-year old Filipino bank teller from Washington Mutual.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 26th, 2007 at 8:38 pm.