The other morning I was sitting in my bathrobe watching Season 3
of ‘90210’ (”Suspend Donna, suspend us all…”) when I heard a knock at
my door. This was strange because I have a strict “no-popping-by” policy.
(I even had my doorbell disconnected.)

I shut my bathrobe, managed to rip myself away from my box of Bugles
and went to see if it was that fox, Ty, from Extreme Home Makeover
there to tear my house down.

Instead, there were three Jehovah’s Witnesses standing before me
(but I only had two photos in my hand. [America’s Top Jehovah.])
They were an ambitious bunch (it was 9:12am), although they did look
a little worse for wear—as if they had just walked all the way from Rancho Cucamonga.

Naturally, I invited them in because I’m a sucker for free literature.

It was over our second Mike’s Hard Lemonades that things got a little strange… I was like “Jesus? Jesus? Where are you boy?” when all three of the JWits became semi-excitable. (I think they thought I had seen the proverbial light, until my Cocker Spaniel appeared. [Um…AWKWARD])

I found myself fumbling and making excuses…
“Err… it’s not you– it’s me!
Walking just isn’t my thing!
Jesus even has a dog walker!
I thought about converting–but I don’t like to get my hair wet!”

And then I felt a little pang of Jewish guilt so I brought out some leftover
birthday cake and suggested we roleplay. I put some candle stumps into
the cake-carcass and instructed the JWits to sing “Happy Birthday” to me.

As I blew out the stumps, I wished for a car for my new friends.
(That way, I wouldn’t have to use an entire GLADE Plug-In the next time
they came over for a visit… [Seriously.])

AND THEN IT HIT ME LIKE I HAD JUST BEEN SAVED.

Sandwich.
Boards.

I’m going to put sandwich boards on these people and send them off on their merry ways…

People will pay to advertise on the JWits!
(And clearly, I would take “street marketing” to a whole new level.)

Pizza delivery on one side; vaginal rejuvenation on the other…
The possibilities are endless!

I mean, they’re already going door-to-door– may as well kill two birds with one witness.

I sat them down and tried to tell them about my exciting new business, but they were chanting: “DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!” at the top of their lungs.

Knowing they were a fan of games and a competitive people by
nature (apparently, they have a long-running feud with the
Christian Scientists [true story]), I declared: “QUIET CONTEST” at the top
of my lungs and proceeded, “Listen… You guys are a hard-working bunch.
Of course, the Mexicans have you beat. But with your English skills
and availability to work on holidays, you can really take the lead here.

More to the point, none of you are driving. It’s obvious you’re desperate for an automobile. There’s what–like eight of you in this entire city? What if I told you we’d be able to raise enough cash to get you guys into a mini-van by Christmas? Um… how do you feel about advertising?”

This entry was posted on Friday, November 9th, 2007 at 4:57 am.